My dear grandmother. It feel so strange that she is gone. She is beautiful. We found so many pictures of her young years that gave us insight to how vibrant and happy she was. I would like to post those in the near future.
This picture is the most recent picture of her still looking like herself. This was a few months before her stroke, at my wedding in 2006.
My dear, sweet Mema went to be with our Lord last Tuesday. She suffered very minimally in the last days. She went to sleep on the Friday before and, as one of my students said, "slept her life away." She would wake only slightly when she was talked to but would quickly slip back into deep sleep. Steven and I went to be with my mom over the weekend before she passed, and on Sunday when we had to leave, I lingered because I knew this would be the last time I would see her alive. Saying goodbye was and has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I never thought it would be so hard. She has become such an integral part of our lives that her absence is felt everywhere. I mourn for her but know where she is. I have even thought of what she is seeing, doing, and how she feels. Although I have always believed in Heaven and God, I have never felt them so closely as I do right now with my connection through Mema. I have never felt as much as I do now that Mema is living through all of us. And it is because of her, I live.
Her funeral was beautiful. My sisters and I sang, Olivia and I gave little speeches, and the ministers who spoke knew her so well, it was a real comfort. Everyone mentioned what a grand lady she was - that everywhere she went, she was dressed "to the nines." The process was very difficult and exhausting but honoring Mema was so important. She was and is so important. Mema was actually my great grandmother. She lost her only natural born daughter, my grandmother, and adopted my mom and her sisters when they were young girls. My mother was in a girl's home, her sisters in foster care, and they would have been adopted to different families, because in those days, they did not try to keep siblings together. But Mema mustered the strength, as she always seemed to do, and adopted them.
I am posting the speech, I guess some call it a eulogy, that I wrote to read at the funeral. It tells how I feel better than I could repeat everything. Life is going to be very different now. I never knew her absence would be felt so profoundly. But her absence is also a presence - because every time something reminds me of her, she's here. God's blessing to us who are left behind.
"When I was in 7th grade, I was given an assignment to write a meaningful poem. I wrote about Mema, her life, and how much she had lived. Writing about Mema would have not occurred to me but a summer storm changed me in a way that can only be credited to the handiwork of God.
The previous summer, my mother had packed me off to Mema's, and most likely, she sent me off complaining. Going to Mema's at that age seemed like a chore. I couldn't sleep late, I had to dress nicely everywhere we went, and all there was to watch on TV was news and Young and the Restless - both very uninteresting to this young girl. The highlight of a day at Mema's was walking along the stepping stones and drinking fresh sun tea. I did not know at the time how instrumental my visit would be in changing my view of the strongest woman I'll ever know, and even greater, how profoundly what I would learn about her would change our relationship and my life.
One night of my visit, a violent Texas thunderstorm attacked the area spawning tornadoes. Mema's mobile home (she hated when we called it a trailer - she was a fancy lady) in Goodrich, with its thin metal walls was the last place I wanted to be. Although she did not admit it, Mema was scared too because she sat up with me through the night to wait out the storm. That night, I learned how much this sometimes mean, very set in her ways, but always strong and loving woman had lived.
She told me of her childhood, her years with her daughter, and the difficult years that she rarely spoke about. I was fascinated. Through my very poorly written poetry in the 7th grade, I tried to capture the essence of this woman and chronicle her life that I had learned so much about that summer night.
Being a historian, I am fascinated by the fact that her life is a perfect reflection of the 20th century. She was so proud of being born in the year that women gained the right to vote. She never failed to exercise this right and encouraged us to do so as well. The night we sat up, she told me about growing up in the Great Depression. She said they didn't know when the depression hit because they were already so poor. She said she would dream of a candy bar, wake up and realize it was a dream and then try to go back to sleep so she could dream of the chocolaty goodness again. She said it never worked but she would try anyway. She told me of going to work chopping cotton and the back breaking labor it entailed. She told me of how she moved out of the country and into the city, and her years as a real Rosie the Riveter during World War II. She also told me of times with her daughter Paula, about dressing up just to go to the movies or out to eat. She told me of raising my mom, her going off to college, and then getting married. She told me of Grandaddy, her mother, and all of those I would never get to know. I was captivated.
I wrote in my poem that Mema had lived. I wrote Mema has lived poverty, that she had lived work, she lived happiness, death, strength and love. She lived life. I ended my poem, probably in a feeble attempt to be artistic by saying that Mema had lived and I had not. But the truth is, I have lived too. Because this precious, strong, valiant warrior lived, so have I. Mema continues to live in all who have been graced to know her. My appreciation for her strength grows exponentially as I age.
So in closing, my dear sweet, strong Sparrow, you will always live. Rest in the arms of our Savior where your strength is no longer needed. Thank you God for giving us this precious gift."
Things became very busy for me after my last post. In my last post, I challenged myself to basically, "let go, and let God." I really hate that turn of phrase because I hear it most often used by televangelists that I dislike. But, it is a useful phrase, especially when trying to remind oneself to live by faith and know that God's love and grace are sufficient. So I remained calm about my job situation, began living each day knowing that tomorrow was an unknown. This was not easy but it is miraculous at how little time I actually had to live in the unknown - that is, the unknown about a job. Within a week of posting about how I wanted to stop worrying about everything, I got a job interview with Hearne ISD and two weeks later, I started teaching Social Studies for 9th and 12th grades! God never ceases to amaze me!
Everything about the process showed the handiwork of God. I was substituting at the high school here in town and talking with other certified substitutes like myself and I became nervous. Some of them had been subbing for 3 years and not found a permanent position! There was no way we could live on substitute salary for three years! But I tried to stay calm, remembered that "what will be, will be," and began discussing with Steven the possibility of moving to the Houston area were jobs were more available. On the particular day that I found out about Hearne, I had discussed, yet again, with another sub about how she hadn't found a job in 2 years. So on my lunch I decided to take a look at job availability in Houston's ESC region. I included my region in the search "just because." I immediately saw - "Hearne High School History teacher." Hearne is only 15 minutes away! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has said do not email or call principals because that's a good way to tick them off and not get an interview. Instead, you are supposed to go through human resources. But the name and contact information listed was the principal. I said a quick prayer, and emailed the principal. I didn't really have anything to ask because the ad was pretty self explanatory, so I just said a little about myself and said I was interested. I received a reply within 10 minutes! The principal wanted me to fax my application and paperwork directly to him. A few days later I was sitting in the best interview I have ever had. And then.....I had to wait. It was just nearly unbearable. By this time I wanted the job so badly. But - I continued to remind myself - whatever happens, God has something for me. God will not leave me comfortless. And He didn't! Just when I was about to give up and thought I hadn't gotten the job, the principal called and offered me the position!!!!
Since the end of February, I have been teaching 5 sections of World Geography, and 1 Honors Geography to 9th graders and 1 section of Honors Economics to 12th graders. It is a really rough school and challenging every single day. But I have already connected with my students in so many ways. They don't like that they have to work hard in my class and I have already had to give detentions for misconduct, but mostly these students need someone who cares about them and their success. I have felt like I have been swimming against a current most days. Not only am I starting mid-year, I am starting mid-semester. The previous teacher left because she could not handle the atmosphere. She actually told the students she didn't like them. She gave up around Christmas and they had not learned anything since. And what they were taught before that is sketchy. I actually had a student say in detention that he had been so disrespectful because he was trying to see when I would give up. My heart hurts for these kids because they are and can be good people. They just need a chance. They feel as if everyone has given up on them, that they are prejudged, disliked, and disrespected. And the truth is, it's true. Some of them have done bad things but do they deserve to redeem themselves in our society? Of course. Are my sins less because of who I am and where I grew up? Not in the eyes of God. I think of my parents every day and where they worked for so long. My parents taught the worst of society in the prison system. And sadly, some of my students have aspirations of being in prison and some will end up there. But my parents taught offenders to give them another chance. What an inspiration.
As hard as it has been so far, I thank God for what He has given me. Like I said, every step of the process has shown the hand of God. They interviewed 12 candidates and told my students that after I was interviewed, there was no choice, that I was "above and beyond." That made me feel so great!!! God put me in a school where my specific talents will be utilized every single day. He placed me in a comfortable, compassionate, and caring staff that I can and have already leaned on for support. I am getting to teach Social Studies, something everyone told me would be difficult if I weren't a coach. And next year, I get to teach real history, either World or US! And we don't have to move away from our town and Steven gets to start school in August! God is amazing. And no one can tell me otherwise!
My dear sweet cousin over at "Our Journey to Hannah Claire" and "The Griffin Family Herald" reminded me of a principle that I constantly strive to live by but lose sight of at various times. You would think with a blog called "No Day but Today" it wouldn't be so hard but alas, I am imperfect. That's right, I said it. And it is true, I am fallible. Thus I need constant reminding to live in the day that I have been blessed with.
My cousin, (if she doesn't mind being identified as such....too late, sorry!), mentioned that in her adult life she has always been striving for what the next big thing is. For example, when she and her husband got engaged, she anticipated her wedding, then buying a house, after that, graduating, and so on and so forth, without taking the time to enjoy what she had worked for. This spoke to me so clearly because I am exactly the same way. I always feel stressed to strive for what is next. I feel the constant need to be concerned about what the next big step is and I am consumed by anxiety about preparing for what is next. So what about what is now? I just graduated from college, (the luster of saying that has still not worn off so get used to me proclaiming it for a bit longer), and before I graduated I was was already worried about the next thing - getting a job, perhaps grad school, Steven starting school, where will we make our home, are children down the line somewhere, if so, when?! But WHY? I just finished something that took me years to complete, consumed my entire life, and I am not even stopping to enjoy what I have done? Is this the curse of man? I'm beginning to believe that I may be cursed.
So here is what I propose for myself thanks to my cousin's wonderful insight -- I will enjoy what I have accomplished and have faith that God will take care of me as He always has. If I worry, does that make God work faster? Uh, absolutely not. If I don't worry, with everything fall apart? Probably not, even though it pains me to type the words. What will be, will be! Were we not told to "think not of the morrow?" I have often been told to not borrow troubles by my wise old dad. It is a life long struggle for me not to rush on to the next thing or worry about what is next. But where will that kind of life leave me in the end? In the same place I would be if I worried less and trusted more in the Lord. Because we all know there are two "definites" in life -- death and chocolate, because I can't live without dying and I will die without chocolate. :o)
So much has happened since I posted last, I really am struggling with where to begin. The past month has been very eventful. I suppose I should start with what I have been blogging about the most in the past year, so I will begin with school.
School has ended. Haha, yeah right, you weren't getting off that easy.
After passing the PPR portion of my certification, I took the content area exam. It was the single hardest exam I have ever laid my eyes on. After the first ten questions I felt like that if someone had drawn a cartoon of me at that moment, they would have drawn a chimpanzee banging on a keyboard in a cubicle. I studied a great deal, not to mention the several years of history courses in college, but this exam covered history from the beginning to now. As in "life began between the Tigris and the Euphrates" to "the war on terrorism and GW Bush." I left the testing center honestly feeling that I had completely failed and would have to take the exam again. But, that wasn't the case! I passed and did fairly well. I was beyond pleased! So now I am fully certified! I am only awaiting the confirmation of the university so that I can receive my actual paper certification. Which, by the way, costs just as much as one of the exams. But that's a rant for another day.
School has dominated my life for quite sometime now, and by extension this blog, but now I am finished! I graduated December 19 at 10:00 AM. The ceremony was long and boring, the speaker really had no point in his speech but even if he had, the graduates would have not heard it. The speaker system was aimed at the audience, not the graduates so we just heard muffled "wah-wahs" a la Charlie Brown. Walking across the stage was the absolute best part of the whole day. I got so see my parents right before I went up on the stage because the handicapped seating was located by the ramp. My mom was only slightly embarrassing - and really more cute than anything - because she literally got up to jump up and down. And when I walked, the vice-president of the university got out of his seat and ran to the other side of the stage so he could shake my hand. He is the father of friends I knew when I was a kid. I was surprised that he remembered me. It was quite an honor. The only thing that went wrong at the ceremony was that they spelled my middle name wrong in the program. Believe me, I was not happy. When I was handed my card during lineup, my face got very hot. Setting aside the thousands and thousands of dollars which have been paid to the school, the hours of torment studying for exam, the countless phone calls to the registrars, advisers, financial aid, etc. which have only ended in being passed down the line and becoming confused and frustrated beyond belief, after years of stress over idiot parking lots or lack thereof, AND probably the most infuriating aspect - being so careful to "type my name just as I want it to appear" (see earlier posts), they SPELL MY NAME WRONG! And they just happened to misspell the portion of my name which I felt was the most important. I had substituted my maiden name for my middle name because I wanted to honor my parents and my unmarried years of school. GRR!!! The registrar fixed it on my diploma but it was of course too late for the program. Boo... The registrar did admit it was human error on their part and took the blame. That was a first - the university taking responsibility instead of blaming it on the "dumb college students." Isn't that how it always goes? I try to do something special and to no avail. Oh well. My parents got the idea of what I was trying to convey and my diploma will be correct. But it was a definite Charlie Brown moment when I saw my name card. And I'm graduated which was the desired result. :o) I am now a college graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in History and a minor in Secondary Education certified to teach grades 8-12. And now for grad school.... haha, just kidding....for now.
Because of graduation, Christmas was a rushed affair. Steven and I never even got to put up a tree. If you know me personally, you know that Christmas is my favorite holiday. When I was growing up, my sister and I would start listening to holiday music in the summer. I just love everything about the holidays. So not decorating or doing the usual holiday preparations really made this year seem odd. It was rushed and over before I even got into the mindset of Christmas. Actually, the odd feeling is kind of fitting for 2009. It was a funky year for me. I honestly will not remember this year fondly except having graduated this year. It was rough in every aspect of my life. I am looking forward to beginning a new year, a new decade, a fresh start on a new portion of my life. I am not naive in thinking that the troubles from 2009 will not follow me into the new year, but perhaps I am better equipped than before. And though events cannot be foreseen, I was caught of guard by several major events this past year that perhaps I am more prepared for now. Regardless, I know that God has brought us through and will continue to guide and protect us in the future. This alone is sufficient comfort as long as I can keep that in thought.
Here's hoping for a happy new year and a great new decade for everyone!
I passed the PPR! 279/300!!! If I did my math correctly, which it really wouldn't be a surprise if I didn't seeing as I am terrible at mathematics, that translates to 93%. So I did pretty well! Passing is great so regardless of my score, as long as it was above 80%, the required passing rate, I'm great!
Oh, PPR stands for Professional and Pedagogical Responsibilities. It's a tricky test because they have a "real world" answer and an "ideal world" answer on each question and you have to choose the latter because it's about what they want you to do. I'm not sure who "they" are but it's them, I know. :o)
Yay! Now I'm off to go spend the day with my sisters and parents, and of course, Mema. She isn't doing well so please keep her in your prayers. We are all fully aware that this is probably our last Thanksgiving with her. But she's surprised us in the past!
Because the first "Thanksgiving" (see previous post) was celebrated for three days and we are still celebrating, I will say again.....Happy Thanksgiving!
Today in the United States we set aside a day to give thanks for the bounty we receive. I got to teach about Thanksgiving this week because we happen to be learning about the cultural geography of the Unites States and Canada. While there are many misconceptions about the first Thanksgiving, the central purpose of the day is still the same. I don't mean to tarnish anyone's ideas about the history, but I find that in knowing the truth, the day actually has more meaning.
My students were surprised to find that Thanksgiving did not become an actual holiday until 1863. They also were surprised to find out that the first thanksgiving was not in November as it was a harvest festival and harvest is in early fall. Also, Franklin Roosevelt tried to change Thanksgiving to boost the economy. It really didn't work because people were outraged that he would try to change a holiday, even though government and religious leaders do it all the time throughout history. After he tried to jack with everyone's perceptions, the holiday was given a permanent date on the calendar. It is also interesting to note that the pilgrim's first harvest festival in 1621 was not what they would consider to be a thanksgiving. It was after many hardships in the following years, seasons of drought, sickness, and death that they had a thanksgiving which they considered to be purely a religious day and which they actually called Thanksgiving. Harvest festivals were a tradition brought over from Europe. And while the indigenous population did share in the feasting which lasted three days, there was most likely little hand holding and singing around the camp fire among them and the pilgrims. They were still very divided due to race, religion, lifestyle, etc. Samoset and Squanto were helpful but whites only please!
Ok, so what is my point? I do have one, I promise. I know that modern historians tend to seem jaded or cynical but that is not my purpose. My point and the lesson I taught in school, is that no matter what your religion or lack thereof, thanksgiving is a day for you. No matter your race, creed, faction, religion, height, weight, hair color, eye color, your thoughts on Harry Potter, your political party, your belief on global warming (a sham by the way...just kidding), or whatever the case may be, you can still celebrate Thanksgiving. Because no matter who you are thanking, be it God, Allah, Buddha, the Sun God, the great Turtle on whose back the world was carried, the head of the GOP, or just sending out thanks to the universe, you can still be thankful. And we have so much to be thankful for.
An interesting side note, it was not my religious students who had trouble with me saying that Thanksgiving is not purely a religious holiday, it was the self proclaimed atheist. I thought it would be the other way around. But by the end of the class discussion, he said he saw my point. Who knows, maybe he's giving thanks, just being grateful that is, for all that he has in his life.
Which brings me to a tradition my late Aunt Jo used to have at her house every Thanksgiving. She kept a book from year to year in which everyone who was in attendance was expected to write what they were thankful for in the last year. My happiest Thanksgiving memories are of being at my Aunt Jo's. I cannot eat green bean casserole or a clover roll without thinking of her and her great big smile that lit up the room. Her laugh was not a delicate laugh, although she herself always seemed delicate. When she thought something was extremely funny, her laugh would start out silently and then only make noise when she was breathing in and her nose would wrinkle up all the way to her eyes. I miss her the most at Thanksgiving. Today I want to honor her memory by making my own list of what I am thankful for.
I am thankful, first and foremost, for my dear husband who I know was directed to my life by God. He has changed my life in so many wonderful ways. He is the greatest blessing I have ever received.
I am thankful for my family. I could not always say this in my life. There were really dark times of my childhood which prevented me from being thankful that I belonged to my family. But now, that has changed. Some people have changed, which began healing in my heart, and in another way, I have changed, allowing those of my family to finally know me, to know what has plagued my existence. There is no person in this world who could have caused these changes and I thank God for His movement in my life.
I am thankful for my family. Oh wait, I already said that. No, it wasn't a mistake. I am thankful that my family is alive. My father has been ill for almost 10 years and in the past has been on the brink of moving on. But today, he is healthy in spirit and in mind, and is probably better physically than he's been in 10 years. For those of you who have healthy parents, be thankful. In so many ways, I lost my father 10 years ago. But in another way, in the past year, I have gotten a father I never had. God works in mysterious ways. For this, I am thankful.
I am thankful for life. This may sound cliche but it is true. I have had times in my life where I did not want to be alive or times when I felt I wasn't alive. So for me, life itself is a blessing. And perhaps even greater than the blessing of life itself, I am thankful that I know that I am alive and that I want to be alive. Praise God.
I am thankful for the bounty it which I live. Steven and I are not rich in any worldly manner. In fact, without the help of my mother over the past year, we would probably be homeless. Even though we never really have money, we have never gone hungry, we have always been warm or cool when necessary, we have never gone barefoot, we have never gone without clothing, and when we have been ill, we have had medical care. So thinking in those terms, we are rich. I am thankful to my mother, and to God who put the love and inspiration into her heart.
I am thankful that I am about to graduate! This really should tie into the paragraph above because the reason we never have money is that I have been a professional student for what seems like an eternity. I have written before that my college years have been difficult and they have been. But now they are coming to an end and I couldn't be more grateful. Graduation will be the closing of a very tumultuous chapter of my life but also a time of change which was definitely needed. So I could also say here, thank you Lord for trials and tribulations because the valleys make the mountain tops so much greater!
I pray that everyone has a happy day regardless of where you are and who you are thanking. Enjoy your turkey, be it fried, roasted, stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken, or however you may or may not eat it. In everything, let us all be thankful.
