My dear grandmother. It feel so strange that she is gone. She is beautiful. We found so many pictures of her young years that gave us insight to how vibrant and happy she was. I would like to post those in the near future.
This picture is the most recent picture of her still looking like herself. This was a few months before her stroke, at my wedding in 2006.
My dear, sweet Mema went to be with our Lord last Tuesday. She suffered very minimally in the last days. She went to sleep on the Friday before and, as one of my students said, "slept her life away." She would wake only slightly when she was talked to but would quickly slip back into deep sleep. Steven and I went to be with my mom over the weekend before she passed, and on Sunday when we had to leave, I lingered because I knew this would be the last time I would see her alive. Saying goodbye was and has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I never thought it would be so hard. She has become such an integral part of our lives that her absence is felt everywhere. I mourn for her but know where she is. I have even thought of what she is seeing, doing, and how she feels. Although I have always believed in Heaven and God, I have never felt them so closely as I do right now with my connection through Mema. I have never felt as much as I do now that Mema is living through all of us. And it is because of her, I live.
Her funeral was beautiful. My sisters and I sang, Olivia and I gave little speeches, and the ministers who spoke knew her so well, it was a real comfort. Everyone mentioned what a grand lady she was - that everywhere she went, she was dressed "to the nines." The process was very difficult and exhausting but honoring Mema was so important. She was and is so important. Mema was actually my great grandmother. She lost her only natural born daughter, my grandmother, and adopted my mom and her sisters when they were young girls. My mother was in a girl's home, her sisters in foster care, and they would have been adopted to different families, because in those days, they did not try to keep siblings together. But Mema mustered the strength, as she always seemed to do, and adopted them.
I am posting the speech, I guess some call it a eulogy, that I wrote to read at the funeral. It tells how I feel better than I could repeat everything. Life is going to be very different now. I never knew her absence would be felt so profoundly. But her absence is also a presence - because every time something reminds me of her, she's here. God's blessing to us who are left behind.
"When I was in 7th grade, I was given an assignment to write a meaningful poem. I wrote about Mema, her life, and how much she had lived. Writing about Mema would have not occurred to me but a summer storm changed me in a way that can only be credited to the handiwork of God.
The previous summer, my mother had packed me off to Mema's, and most likely, she sent me off complaining. Going to Mema's at that age seemed like a chore. I couldn't sleep late, I had to dress nicely everywhere we went, and all there was to watch on TV was news and Young and the Restless - both very uninteresting to this young girl. The highlight of a day at Mema's was walking along the stepping stones and drinking fresh sun tea. I did not know at the time how instrumental my visit would be in changing my view of the strongest woman I'll ever know, and even greater, how profoundly what I would learn about her would change our relationship and my life.
One night of my visit, a violent Texas thunderstorm attacked the area spawning tornadoes. Mema's mobile home (she hated when we called it a trailer - she was a fancy lady) in Goodrich, with its thin metal walls was the last place I wanted to be. Although she did not admit it, Mema was scared too because she sat up with me through the night to wait out the storm. That night, I learned how much this sometimes mean, very set in her ways, but always strong and loving woman had lived.
She told me of her childhood, her years with her daughter, and the difficult years that she rarely spoke about. I was fascinated. Through my very poorly written poetry in the 7th grade, I tried to capture the essence of this woman and chronicle her life that I had learned so much about that summer night.
Being a historian, I am fascinated by the fact that her life is a perfect reflection of the 20th century. She was so proud of being born in the year that women gained the right to vote. She never failed to exercise this right and encouraged us to do so as well. The night we sat up, she told me about growing up in the Great Depression. She said they didn't know when the depression hit because they were already so poor. She said she would dream of a candy bar, wake up and realize it was a dream and then try to go back to sleep so she could dream of the chocolaty goodness again. She said it never worked but she would try anyway. She told me of going to work chopping cotton and the back breaking labor it entailed. She told me of how she moved out of the country and into the city, and her years as a real Rosie the Riveter during World War II. She also told me of times with her daughter Paula, about dressing up just to go to the movies or out to eat. She told me of raising my mom, her going off to college, and then getting married. She told me of Grandaddy, her mother, and all of those I would never get to know. I was captivated.
I wrote in my poem that Mema had lived. I wrote Mema has lived poverty, that she had lived work, she lived happiness, death, strength and love. She lived life. I ended my poem, probably in a feeble attempt to be artistic by saying that Mema had lived and I had not. But the truth is, I have lived too. Because this precious, strong, valiant warrior lived, so have I. Mema continues to live in all who have been graced to know her. My appreciation for her strength grows exponentially as I age.
So in closing, my dear sweet, strong Sparrow, you will always live. Rest in the arms of our Savior where your strength is no longer needed. Thank you God for giving us this precious gift."
Things became very busy for me after my last post. In my last post, I challenged myself to basically, "let go, and let God." I really hate that turn of phrase because I hear it most often used by televangelists that I dislike. But, it is a useful phrase, especially when trying to remind oneself to live by faith and know that God's love and grace are sufficient. So I remained calm about my job situation, began living each day knowing that tomorrow was an unknown. This was not easy but it is miraculous at how little time I actually had to live in the unknown - that is, the unknown about a job. Within a week of posting about how I wanted to stop worrying about everything, I got a job interview with Hearne ISD and two weeks later, I started teaching Social Studies for 9th and 12th grades! God never ceases to amaze me!
Everything about the process showed the handiwork of God. I was substituting at the high school here in town and talking with other certified substitutes like myself and I became nervous. Some of them had been subbing for 3 years and not found a permanent position! There was no way we could live on substitute salary for three years! But I tried to stay calm, remembered that "what will be, will be," and began discussing with Steven the possibility of moving to the Houston area were jobs were more available. On the particular day that I found out about Hearne, I had discussed, yet again, with another sub about how she hadn't found a job in 2 years. So on my lunch I decided to take a look at job availability in Houston's ESC region. I included my region in the search "just because." I immediately saw - "Hearne High School History teacher." Hearne is only 15 minutes away! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has said do not email or call principals because that's a good way to tick them off and not get an interview. Instead, you are supposed to go through human resources. But the name and contact information listed was the principal. I said a quick prayer, and emailed the principal. I didn't really have anything to ask because the ad was pretty self explanatory, so I just said a little about myself and said I was interested. I received a reply within 10 minutes! The principal wanted me to fax my application and paperwork directly to him. A few days later I was sitting in the best interview I have ever had. And then.....I had to wait. It was just nearly unbearable. By this time I wanted the job so badly. But - I continued to remind myself - whatever happens, God has something for me. God will not leave me comfortless. And He didn't! Just when I was about to give up and thought I hadn't gotten the job, the principal called and offered me the position!!!!
Since the end of February, I have been teaching 5 sections of World Geography, and 1 Honors Geography to 9th graders and 1 section of Honors Economics to 12th graders. It is a really rough school and challenging every single day. But I have already connected with my students in so many ways. They don't like that they have to work hard in my class and I have already had to give detentions for misconduct, but mostly these students need someone who cares about them and their success. I have felt like I have been swimming against a current most days. Not only am I starting mid-year, I am starting mid-semester. The previous teacher left because she could not handle the atmosphere. She actually told the students she didn't like them. She gave up around Christmas and they had not learned anything since. And what they were taught before that is sketchy. I actually had a student say in detention that he had been so disrespectful because he was trying to see when I would give up. My heart hurts for these kids because they are and can be good people. They just need a chance. They feel as if everyone has given up on them, that they are prejudged, disliked, and disrespected. And the truth is, it's true. Some of them have done bad things but do they deserve to redeem themselves in our society? Of course. Are my sins less because of who I am and where I grew up? Not in the eyes of God. I think of my parents every day and where they worked for so long. My parents taught the worst of society in the prison system. And sadly, some of my students have aspirations of being in prison and some will end up there. But my parents taught offenders to give them another chance. What an inspiration.
As hard as it has been so far, I thank God for what He has given me. Like I said, every step of the process has shown the hand of God. They interviewed 12 candidates and told my students that after I was interviewed, there was no choice, that I was "above and beyond." That made me feel so great!!! God put me in a school where my specific talents will be utilized every single day. He placed me in a comfortable, compassionate, and caring staff that I can and have already leaned on for support. I am getting to teach Social Studies, something everyone told me would be difficult if I weren't a coach. And next year, I get to teach real history, either World or US! And we don't have to move away from our town and Steven gets to start school in August! God is amazing. And no one can tell me otherwise!
