Supposed to be reading....

But I am having a hard time concentrating on the article I'm supposed to read concerning the Hull House and Jane Addams. I'm just not feeling it right now. Of course, that's not a good excuse, especially considering I have to give a response over this article and two others, read Babbitt, 2 chapters of my religious history book and do a review for an exam in History of Religion, plus complete a Grammar take-home test, and review for an exam in Lit & Film. SIGH.... When I say I have to read all the time to keep up, I do not lie. And these articles are loooooong. One is 50 pages by itself.

Ok, I'm done complaining. I am keeping up for the most part and for that I am happy. There are just days where I have to keep re-reading paragraphs I've already read because I go on auto-pilot and do not pay attention to what I am reading. It's easier when I'm reading from a book instead of articles online because then I can highlight in the text. But I am not about to print 50 pages of article that I will not need again. What a waste. Ok....NOW I'm done complaining. I promise.

I really like my religious history class. It's primarily American religious history, so we simply reviewed Martin Luther, Henry VIII, and John Calvin. I've said this before but don't mind saying again, it is difficult being a Primitive Baptist and studying religious history. Since most students have mostly never heard of predestination, the professor must explain what it means and how it pertains to salvation. And the professor most likely learned about predestination from another misguided scholar. While Primitive Baptists do not completely agree with John Calvin, the idea of predestination is very similar - that the elect were known before the world was even created. In class, the students respond with laughter because they immediately jump to, "If you cannot get to Heaven by doing good works, then you can do whatever you want!" And according to the professor, this was the problem Calvin ran into. His response was to tell his followers that because one doesn't know if they are the elect, they must act as if they are so that others will think they are the elect and treat them accordingly. I haven't studied Calvin in depth so I cannot say whether this is right or wrong. I can say I get sad every time this subject comes up because I've never heard a positive response from students when they learn about predestination. Oh, and the professor also said that Calvin believed that the elect was a small number, "about 40,000 of the billions of people since man was created so most people are destined for Hell." I will just say - sigh....

I like the professor a lot and I do not hold any ill will towards him. He is very knowledgeable and respectful. And there aren't a great deal of scholarly texts concerning predestination other than John Calvin so he really doesn't have much to go on. He said something in the last lecture that really has me interested. He listed the different sectors of the Puritans and listed Methodists, Presbyterians, Anglicans, and Baptists. As a side note he said that these Baptists are not like Southern Baptists or what Baptist brings to mind today. He said that would come in a later lecture so we shall see how that unfolds.

I do really like the class and am very interested in the subject. Perhaps some day I will be able to study the history of the church myself in greater depth. Most of what I know I learned from my father the preacher. And there's nothing wrong with that because he's pretty smart! A study like that seems like material for a dissertation. Would that be acceptable since I am a woman in the church? I wonder. The reason I ask is that most histories of our church are written by ministers who of course are men.

I guess I should just focus right now on those articles I'm supposed to read. :o)

Feliz Lunes!

Happy Monday! What a contradiction. That's almost oxymoronic. Oh well. But I'm happy today anyway, even if it is a Monday. Today is the day the Lord hath made - rejoice and be glad in it. I shall surely try!

School starts back today after the clean up from Hurricane Ike. I don't have to go until tomorrow because I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm actually glad to go back because it almost feels like a fresh start. I didn't start off very well because of some events that took place the weekend before the first day of school. I was very off and in a sort of a funk. I think that's partly why I got sick and have been having issues with my back. Stress just really wears me down and believe me, I have plenty of stress in my life. So I got a break and was able to sort through some things and now am ready to go back and finish up this last semester of core classes. I believe a woo-hoo is in order...woo-hoo!

In regards to my back, I actually feel pretty good. Yesterday was an ok pain day and so far today, I'm feeling fine. I didn't even have any pain medicine last night. I think this is partly due to the fact that Steven and I went to our produce market yesterday. I don't know what it is about the open market but it was wonderful. They had tons and tons of pumpkins everywhere! There were lots of fall goodies everywhere. Seeing those things make me so happy. They were advertising their pie pumpkins and I almost got one but then I realized, I have no idea how to make a pumpkin pie from scratch. I always us the pumpkin from a can. I'm sure my granny would have a recipe though. Or, if any readers have a good one, please let me know!

I don't know why but doing things that are "real" make me so happy. And by that I mean, going to our market where the vegetables are local, non-commercialized, and in the open air. Seeing the jars of honey lined up, gleaming in the sun is so beautiful to me. The bright orange pumpkins stacked beside the multi-colored Indian corn is just gorgeous. Being in places like that makes me feel rejuvenated. I am always astonished at how much we buy and how little we pay for it. We bought 3 lbs. of green beans, 4 bulbs of garlic, 6 green bell peppers, 3 red bell peppers, 6 yellow onions, 3 stalks of broccoli, a pint of cherry tomatoes, a head of green leaf lettuce, a bunch of spinach, and a huge cantaloupe all for $16. And everything is of excellent quality and is much larger than what we would find in a grocery store. I just think it's amazing. We hadn't been in a while and were certainly glad to go back.

All in all, I am feeling really good. I'm so glad to be out of the fog I was in. I've been able to get a handle on my house work and now much put my nose in my books because I must do well in school. I did poorly on the only assignment I've had so far, which I feel is a symptom of my personal life. It only makes me want to try harder. :o)

Update...

I just returned from my appointment and it's a good news/maybe not such good but not necessarily bad news situation. Makes sense right?

The good news is I have no cysts and I have healthy ovaries for once in my life. The not so good news that isn't necessarily bad news is that it could be sciatica, as in my sciatic nerve is being pinched or something of that manner. Since I was visiting my gyno, he has referred everything to my regular doctor for this issue. He also sent me for labs for a general work up just in case.

He also assured me that nothing was definite and I shouldn't worry too much at this stage but that is so hard. Anything that has to do with my nervous system or my spine, I begin to worry because of my dad. Since he became disabled, I've worried I would end up just like him. I've worried so much that I have ignored pain so that I wouldn't have to hear that my spine was twisted or I have stinosis (sp?), etc. Last year when I had the cyst I was so scared it was my back that was hurting that I lived with the pain for several months before getting it checked out. The doctor reminded me of the fact that I almost let it explode before I consulted with a doctor and I shouldn't be afraid of diagnosis. But that's really easy to say when you haven't had to watch someone deteriorate before your very eyes.

I've seen my dad go from a strong, hard working, detailed, precise man to someone who can't even remember a telephone call, who can't put on his own shoes, and who can only walk a few feet without help. I was 17 years old when I had to start putting my dad's shoes on him and helping him get dressed. That is so painful - so much so that words don't seem to capture the sorrow in my heart for the man who used to take me on roller coasters and fishing, who used to fix cars that no one else could fix, who sat and listened to Flatt and Scruggs and taught himself how to pick the banjo, who stayed up into the early morning hours with his daughters teaching the history of the church and helping them see the glory of God. I hurt for my father and at the same time fear for myself. The doctor was very perceptive to see that my father's disability has made me fearful of what could be ailing me. His advice was it is better to know than to let it get worse. Also, he reminded me that I am not my father, so perhaps I shouldn't fear every doctor visit as if it were a death sentence. And I think he's right. Again, I must remember that all things are in God's hands and prayer is a powerful connection.

New Look

I felt like it was time for a new layout and I feel this pretty Barbie pink suits me much better. Barbie is a very important lady in my life and everything pink makes me happy. My wedding was so beautiful with various shades of pink, just like in "Steel Magnolias" but with a bit more taste. :o)

We survived Ike and were blessed that it really didn't effect us much. I had been planning to visit my cousin Virginia that weekend but decided it might be better not to travel. As it turns out, I probably could have gone since it wasn't as bad here as expected, but it was good I stayed because my parents needed help. They live in Huntsville and the town was hit pretty hard. Power was knocked out but the worst part was that two trees fell across their garage and has damaged their cars. We still don't know the extent of the damage to the autos, but the garage is going to have to be rebuilt. We are all just very thankful they were ok. Olivia and I and our sweet husbands went Sunday to retrieve Mama, Daddy, and Memaw with a rental car. They've been staying at Olivia's this week but will be going home tomorrow since power has been restored! I know everyone will be very happy when they can go home. Memaw did not want to leave Huntsville but once she was told she'd have her own room at Livy's, she was appeased. I think she will be happiest to return. Or maybe Olivia will be happiest. haha.

School has been out all week and I have been so glad. I'm working extra hours at the preschool because we are short staffed. I told them I could only manage this for another week because I just cannot work 30 hours a week and have a full load of classes on top of commuting to school. I was really proud of myself because I have a hard time telling people no. Last year I was working way too much for the family I was working for and really put myself in a bind as far as school was concerned. So I am very proud that I can stand up for myself and not feel guilty for taking care of myself.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I should go get ready. I have a doctor's appointment today. I am a little concerned about it, so would ask for prayers if you think of it. Last year I had a terrible time with an ovarian cyst that really took me out of commission. Since Sunday I've been having pain in that same area that has gotten worse and made me extremely tired. Hopefully it is nothing but it would be great if they could figure out what is hurting and if it can be remedied easily. Thank you!

In the light.

Today I feel much better than yesterday, both mentally and physically. There comes a point when I am sick that I am just down and out, and thinking all about my own miseries. Today I feel much better in every way.

It is still true that my family is struggling but like I said yesterday, the Lord will see us through. Yesterday I had a long time of prayer, which seems to always relieve my sorrow. Isn't the Lord wonderful? The trouble is, I don't always know how to pray and some times prayer is difficult. But I think that's part of the whole picture anyway. We can't be close to the Lord unless He draws us. I think when I start to feel that I have some control, things start to fall apart. The truth is, there is little I can control and most likely, nothing I can control. I cannot change the past and I don't know if there will be a tomorrow. That's why this blog is called "No day but today." But sometimes, I forget. You would think I could just look up at the title, right? :o)

But today I feel better. In part I think I miss seeing my class everyday. I've grown really attached to my class because I've had them since they were babies. I've been able to "fly" up with them in each class. Now they are in the 4 year old class and are some of the "big kids." They are all currently three but will be turning 4 this year. I love teaching them and it's amazing to see how far they come. Before they could even talk we were learning colors and shapes. Then they all knew their letters while they were still learning to walk. Then in our last class they were able to write their name and all of the letters. Now the older ones are reading and the younger ones are catching up. Teaching pre-school has been a wonderful experience for me. Even though I'm studying to be a high school teacher, teaching experience is teaching experience. Every child (or young adult) has a different way of learning. And discovering how to unlock their little minds is a challenge but also a reward. And when I work on their individual assessments and goals, I can really see how far they have come. I'm going to be so sad when I leave them in the spring to do my Methods. Even though I'll probably be back for the summer, it will be good-bye to some who don't attend in the summer months.

So, all in all, I'm feeling better. I'm having to get adjusted to my new schedule and learn to rebalance everything. I really have a great schedule and I'm home more now than I've ever been since Steven and I got married. But we've been stressed about my financial aid not arriving but when I checked this morning, it had arrived. Things seem to even out when I let go and lay my burdens upon the Lord. Now if I could only remember that! And of course, that there is no day but today.

Sickness *cough*sneeze*cough*

The immune system of this pre-school teacher should be tough as nails since I've been now teaching off and on for 6 years. And to some degree this is true. When I first started, I was sick about every two weeks - no kidding. Just as I would get over some sniffle, I would contract something else. My co-teacher is going through that right now as she just started with us in June. Anyway, I am sick today and have been since last Thursday. I finally went to the doctor yesterday (Mon.) and he said stay home until Wed. So I missed work yesterday and am missing school today which I feel extremely guilty about. Does anyone else ever feel guilty when they can't attend something because they are sick? I always without fail feel guilt all day. And I mean, it's not like I'm not sick. I mean, the doctor even gave me a note. Not that I really need one. At this point in my school career the professors give us a certain amount of days we may miss, no questions asked. So I don't suppose I should feel guilty but I do.

Anyway, enough of my warped psychosis. I am actually glad to be home because I have to write a response paper for my online class that I just haven't found the time for. Life has been a bit overwhelming over the past few weeks. My family is dealing with a great deal lately.
My life growing up with my parents was incredibly tumultuous and my adult life has proved to be as well.

When looking at my family it would be easy to contribute our strife with my father's illness but troubles go much deeper than that. Of course, his illness in the past eight years has contributed a great deal, it still cannot be blamed for how my family has suffered. Most people will never fully understand what I mean, either because they can't or won't. And it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I continue to grow with Steven and remain committed to my education so that we may have a better life. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But the time has come and past when I must live my life and do what is best for MY family, meaning Steven and me.

I'm sure this is crazy ramblings for most people who read what I write. For that I am sorry. But I've been sad and preoccupied over the past few weeks and that is not satisfactory for what I am trying to accomplish in school. And most likely a contributing factor in this cold I have. I know that God will see us through and will be a comfort and guide, for He only knows how much that I need one. Life is not black and white or else it would be much easier.

side note: I just read back through what I wrote and saw that a few paragraphs up I said "enough of my warped psychosis." I guess not. :)